Once Upon A Time At The Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens’ Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice who sat at the piano, it was time for the star of the show. Alice stood up, turned around and introduced “Claude the Hypnotist”!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time!” said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch,” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

“It’s a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations,” said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch… Watch the watch… Watch the watch…”

The audience stared blankly and became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. Reflections from the lights twinkled throughout the room as they reflected from the gleaming surface of the watch. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch and silence filled the room.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

“S#%T!” said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre and Claude was never invited there again.

Dog For Sale…

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

‘”Talking Dog For Sale”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, ”Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so… I told the CIA.

”In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

”I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running…

”But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

”I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

”I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

‘”I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

”Ten dollars,” the guy says.

”Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a bull-shitter. He’s never even been out of the yard.”

The Gift

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?

It’s 3 O’clock in the morning!

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door…

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband. “It is three o’clock in the morning.” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No. I did not. It is three o’clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!!!”

His wife said, “Don’t you remember about three months ago when our car broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told (as well he should!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello! Are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband. “Yes! Please!” comes the reply from the darkness. “Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing!!” replies the drunk.


A change of attitude

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?


What?!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard “Jesus is watching you.”

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

”Did you say that?“ he hissed at the parrot.

“Yes,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. ”Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of idiot would name a bird Moses?”

”The same idiot who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”


This weekend

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a donkey in the front seat.

“What are you doing with that donkey?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the zoo.”

The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the donkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.

“I thought you were going to take that donkey to the zoo!”

The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”


The pet shop

A man went to a pet shop and told the clerk that he would like to buy a parrot. The clerk took him to the birdcage and asked which he would like. “How much is the yellow parrot?” asked the customer.

“That one costs $2,500,” said the clerk, and then, seeing the look of shock on the customer’s face, continued, “but he’s a very special bird. He can type one hundred twenty words per minute.”

“How about the blue one?” the customer asked.

“The blue one costs $5,000, but he’s also very special. He can type and answer phone calls, and he’ll even take a message.”

“And how about the green parrot?” asked the man.

“That bird costs $12,000.”

“And what can he do?” the man asked.

The clerk replied, “I don’t know, but the other two call him ‘boss.’”


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