Humor

Once Upon A Time At The Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens’ Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice who sat at the piano, it was time for the star of the show. Alice stood up, turned around and introduced “Claude the Hypnotist”!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time!” said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch,” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

“It’s a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations,” said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch… Watch the watch… Watch the watch…”

The audience stared blankly and became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. Reflections from the lights twinkled throughout the room as they reflected from the gleaming surface of the watch. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch and silence filled the room.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

“S#%T!” said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre and Claude was never invited there again.

Dog For Sale…

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

‘”Talking Dog For Sale”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, ”Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so… I told the CIA.

”In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

”I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running…

”But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

”I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

”I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

‘”I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

”Ten dollars,” the guy says.

”Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a bull-shitter. He’s never even been out of the yard.”

The Gift

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?

It’s 3 O’clock in the morning!

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door…

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband. “It is three o’clock in the morning.” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No. I did not. It is three o’clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!!!”

His wife said, “Don’t you remember about three months ago when our car broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told (as well he should!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello! Are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband. “Yes! Please!” comes the reply from the darkness. “Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing!!” replies the drunk.

A change of attitude

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?

What?!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard “Jesus is watching you.”

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

”Did you say that?“ he hissed at the parrot.

“Yes,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. ”Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of idiot would name a bird Moses?”

”The same idiot who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

This weekend

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a donkey in the front seat.

“What are you doing with that donkey?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the zoo.”

The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the donkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.

“I thought you were going to take that donkey to the zoo!”

The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”

The pet shop

A man went to a pet shop and told the clerk that he would like to buy a parrot. The clerk took him to the birdcage and asked which he would like. “How much is the yellow parrot?” asked the customer.

“That one costs $2,500,” said the clerk, and then, seeing the look of shock on the customer’s face, continued, “but he’s a very special bird. He can type one hundred twenty words per minute.”

“How about the blue one?” the customer asked.

“The blue one costs $5,000, but he’s also very special. He can type and answer phone calls, and he’ll even take a message.”

“And how about the green parrot?” asked the man.

“That bird costs $12,000.”

“And what can he do?” the man asked.

The clerk replied, “I don’t know, but the other two call him ‘boss.’”

A dog walks into a saloon

An old three legged dog limps into a western town and walks slowly up the street past the bank, the hardware store and the sheriff’s office.

“Hello, old dog,” said the sheriff sitting on the office porch.

“Hello, sheriff,” said the dog.

The dog continues along the street until he gets to the saloon. He pushes through the swinging doors, and limps up to the bar.

“Well, old dog, what’ll it be?” said the bartender. “I see you’ve got quite a “limp” there.”

“Sure do,” said the old dog. “I’ll have my regular.”

“So what brings you into town today,” said the bartender? “

”I’m here to find the man who shot my paw,” said the old dog.

A bear of a tale

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

A real circus

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

Eye popping

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”

Crocodile wrestler

A multi-millionaire living in, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, “I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who’ll join him in the pool.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.

Everyone turned around and saw Brian in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it, getting it in choke holds, biting it’s tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Brian and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell.

Finally, after what seemed like an age, Brian strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish.

An exhausted Brian wearily climbed out of the pool with everybody staring at him in disbelief.

The millionaire said, “Well, Brian, I reckon I owe you a million dollars then.”

“Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,” said Brian.

So the millionaire said “Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks?”

“No thanks, I don’t want it,” Brian insisted.

The millionaire said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?”

Once again, Brian said, “No.”

Confused, the rich man asked, “Well Brian, then what do you want?”

“I want the bastard who pushed me in,” said Brian.

The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

“What seems to be the problem, sir?”

“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”

Four husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained,

“I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

Speaking of that…

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. So he pulls out his upright bass and starts playing a solo. Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months.

Shocked by this, the couple asks the counselor: “How did you know that would work?”

“Simple,” he says, “Everyone always talks during the bass solo.”

Incredible swine…

A man is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout. Not having a spare he finally finds a house and asks a farmer if he can use his phone to call for a tow-truck. As the farmer opens the door for him to come in, a pig runs out the door towards a flock of sheep and expertly maneuvers them into a pen.

What’s more, the pig has only three legs.

“Excuse me,” says the man to the farmer, “But why has that pig only got three legs?”

“Let me tell you a bit about that pig,” says the farmer.“ That pig not only herds my sheep, he also crows at sunrise, milks the cows morning and night, and collects the eggs from the hens.”“And that’s not all,” he continued“That pig can count! He counts so well that he does all the farm accounts and fills in my tax forms.”

“What an amazing pig,” says the man.

“I’m not finished,” says the farmer.

“Two years ago, my farmhouse caught fire and the pig called the fire department and then fetched water from the river to douse the flames. He then fought his way through the smoke to where my wife and children lay unconscious and dragged them from the burning house saving their lives.”

“Wow!” says the man, “That really is an incredible pig. But I still don’t understand why he only has three legs?!”

“Ah, well,” says the farmer, “When you have a pig that special, you don’t eat him all at once.”

Two wrongs don’t make a right unless you pull the curtains over your nose…

After 37 years of marriage a wealthy attorney named Tom dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Tom and Edith’s multi-million dollar home and since he was a lawyer he prevailed. He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

Edith spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the 2nd day she had two movers come and collect her things. On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells stuffed with caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods in the house. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When Tom returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything… cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days. In the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit. Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Edith called her ex husband and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day! She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, Tom and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. Including the curtain rods.

20 years

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear,” she whispers as she steps into the room, ”Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up from his coffee, ”It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.”

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, ”Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,” he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ”Yes, I do’ she replies.”

The husband pauses… the words were not coming easily. ”Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

”Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. ”Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?‘”

”I remember that, too.” she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”

Let’s Go

The following is always fun to send to coworkers or post on your social media. Insert whatever date or location(s) you desire…

Anyone interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people?

I’m still looking for 2 more people to join us. We will leave early Saturday (October 17) morning from Camarillo, CA and will fly to San Diego, CA where we will have breakfast and then embark on a yacht for lunch. So excited!

Then we’ll do a flight along the coast and return to San Diego for dinner, then fly back home.

If interested please dm me!

Preferably someone with a helicopter and a yacht, otherwise we can’t go.”

An Instrumental Story

A guy rushes out the door late for work and jumps in his car realizing that he left his banjo in the back seat. Running late he decides to drive off.

He gets two blocks from his house then remembers that he left his front door unlocked!

He turns around rushes back and runs to his front door leaving his car running.

He gets back to his car, looks in the back seat and says “damn, i knew it, two banjos.”

It’s Only Fifty Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’ Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m 85 Years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’ To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you. But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.’

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’

Morris replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

Ridiculously Stupid Jokes…

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

I’m worried about the calendar. Its days are numbered.

What time did the person go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes, but it turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

I don’t know what the best thing about Switzerland is, but the flag is a big plus.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? They just wanted a bit more space.

I don’t trust stairs — they’re always up to something.What’s Forrest Gump’s computer password? 1forrest1

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it.

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.

I tell dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

Would you like to learn about the power of humor to connect with others and grow your business? There are 8 very informative sections in Giving Candy To Strangers, one of which is all about using humor. In the meantime, enjoy a few laughs below.